Never Koop a Koopa
by Nintendo Maximus
Summary: Bowser pretends to surrender his castle to Peach in order to give Larry lessons in cheating and lying in yet another cartoon novelization.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything Super Mario. I don't even own the Hammer Brothers' names (they came from a story in the comic books).

**Author's Note:** I haven't added so much with this novelization as with previous ones because I was pretty reluctant in doing it. I'm still trying to do everything else I want to do this summer, including writing the "Super Koopa" novelization. You may have noticed that I posted this fanfic before, then deleted it and posted it again. Well, after my original posting, I got the "King Koopa Katastrophe" DVD (available at Gamestop for $12.95), which included the original episode. Now having a better study, I've done a little bit of sprucing up. But anyway, here, as requested by a reviewer of my last novelization, is a novelization of the SMB3 episode "Never Koop a Koopa".

* * *

It was yet another beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and Mario Mario, Luigi Mario, Yoshi, Princess Peach Toadstool, Princess Daisy of Sarasaland, and Toad the Mushroom Retainer were having an ordinary picnic on the picnic table outside of Toad's house. But it was during that ordinary picnic that something they thought would never happen seemingly happened.

Mario was about to sink his teeth into a meatball of his spaghetti when he suddenly turned around and gasped at the sight in front of him. King Bowser Koopa and his eight Koopalings (Bowser Koopa Jr., Larry Koopa, Morton Koopa Jr., Wendy O. Koopa, Iggy Koopa, Roy Koopa, Lemmy Koopa, and Ludwig Von Koopa) were approaching them. Now if it were for them to attack, it wouldn't have been surprising. The surprising part was that Bowser was waving a white flag!

"Im-a-pasta-ble!" Mario shouted in disbelief as he and the others stood up. "Bowser's a-throwing in the towel?"

A tear-shedding Bowser walked up to them. "Princess Peach," he began, addressing the pink-clad blonde, "you and your friends are far too clever for a reptile such as me... a lowly, humble..."

"Stupid, ugly, two-faced..." Toad mocked him. "What're you telling us? That Wario and Waluigi are setting up their own minigame factory? That Donkey Kong's gonna rule Kongo Bongo Island?"

"Shut up!" Bowser yelled.

"Yeah Bowser," Mario added on to Toad's mockery. "Tell us a-something we _ don't_ a-know."

"I'm calling it quits," Bowser tearfully announced, heralding a gasp from everyone he was talking to. "My kids and I are leaving the Mushroom Kingdom... forever. I feel so bad for causing you so much trouble. I just hope you have it in your heart to forgive me. I know this won't make up for all the misery I've caused, but I want you to have it - the key to Castle Koopa. I'm donating our ex-home to charity. Say goodbye, kids!"

The eight sad-faced Koopa Kids waved goodbye to their enemies, and then followed the father as he jumped down a warp pipe.

Peach looked at the Castle Koopa key that Bowser had handed to her. "Castle Koopa! I can turn it into a retirement home for elderly Toads!"

Toad thought of the idea, and immediately quivered with fear. "Ooooh! Remind me never to grow old!"

Daisy snatched the key from her friend's hand. "It's a trap, Peach! Throw this key away and forget that that evil place even exists!"

Luigi shook his legs. "Yeah! Daisy's a-got a point-a," he agreed.

"But Daisy, Luigi! There are so many old people in the Kingdom who need a nice place to live," Peach argued.

"Yeah, and eat!" Yoshi added, his mouth stuffed with a melon. "They could all use some of this kind of melon. It's Yoshi-licious!"

"I'm going to take a look at it right now," Peach continued, walking off in the direction of Vista Hill.

"You'll be sorry!" Daisy called.

Luigi hid behind Daisy's skirt. "Yeah."

"You a-worry too much, Luigi." Mario hopped onto Yoshi's saddle. "Yoshi and I will go along and protect her. How dangerous can a-Castle Koopa be?"

Luigi, Daisy, and Toad looked at each other as Mario and Yoshi followed Peach toward Vista Hill.

"You think they're gonna be sorry, Daisy?" Luigi asked his romantic interest.

"If they are, then I guess you'll be right, Daisy," said Toad. "But you think maybe we should rescue them in case something bad happens to them?"

"I guess we should," Daisy said, as she led the two guys off to the pipe Mario, Yoshi, and Peach had gone down. "Besides, I owe Mario a favor. He saved me from Tatanga the Mysterious Spaceman, remember?"

Luigi rolled his eyes jealously, wishing he had been the one to have saved Daisy from Tatanga.

***

Soon afterwards, Mario, Peach, and Yoshi had crossed the drawbridge and arrived at the front door of Bowser's Castle.

"Just a little sprucing up, and this place will be a real homey." Peach opened the door. Suddenly, the remains of a Dry Bones fell right in front of her feet. "Uh, with a little work, of course."

Yoshi backed away. "Uh-uh. I'm not going in there!"

Mario smacked him in the back of the head with a plunger, commanding him to walk in. "Yes you are!"

"Yes, Mama Mario," Yoshi said, talking like Seymour Skinner on "The Simpsons".

"And don't a-call me that!"

The three of them walked into the entrance hall. The walls were decorated with portraits of the eight Koopalings. Above the big red door leading out of the hall hung a portrait of Bowser Koopa himself. Yoshi turned around fidgeted, because the painting's eyes seemed to be following them. Yoshi jumped so hard that Mario nearly fell off the saddle.

"Ugh!" Peach groaned. "That picture will be the first thing to go. It's as ugly and repulsive as Bowser was in person."

"G-g-g-good idea," Yoshi shivered.

They suddenly heard a voice shout out, "Ahhhh! Now that you've been invited to Castle Koopa, take this!"

A Thwomp was about to come down on the three of them. The trio screamed and ran out of the way before the Thwomp could touch down.

"Rats!" the Thwomp grunted, rising back up to the ceiling. "I missed! Oooh, I hate it when I miss..."

Mario, Yoshi, and Peach hid in the next room. "That was close," Peach sighed of relief.

But it was short-lived relief, for they were then suddenly surrounded by a vicious army of...

"Walking Ptooies!" Peach screeched. "I thought these were the rarest species in the Koopa Empire!"

"I guess they've been doing a bit of breeding." Yoshi backed up against the princess.

"Yeah, they've been breeding all right... into a buffet!" Mario smacked Yoshi in the back of the head. "Chow down, Yoshi!"

Acting on Mario's cue, Yoshi lashed out his long tongue, snarfing down all of the Walking Ptooies.

"I guess turning this castle into a retirement home wasn't such a good idea," Mario said when Yoshi had had his fill.

"Well, there's one good thing about it," Peach reasoned. "The old Toads won't get bored."

Mario nodded. "Yeah. But we'd better find our way back to the door-a."

The trio looked around at the quarter-fork surrounding the room. "But which way did we come in...?" Peach queried.

Unluckily, before any of them could make a move, a trap door opened up underneath them. They plummeted into the dungeon cell beneath the room.

"Yeah, turning this castle into a retirement home _definitely_ wasn't the brightest of ideas," Yoshi said, climbing out from under Mario.

Then, outside their cell, a door slid open, revealing Bowser and his eight brats. "Aaaaah, splendid!" the Koopa King gloated, walking in. "We have guests, kids! I hope they like our newly remodeled accommodations. They got an 'A' rating in the Darkland Travel Guide - 'A' for Awful! Bwa ha ha ha ha! Did you really think I'd let you win? That I'd just surrender and give you the keys to my humble abode? That I'd let the Wario Bros. or Tatanga or Captain Syrup become the main source of the Mushroom Kingdom's problems?"

Peach ran up to the door and pointed an accusing finger at the reptile. "Damn you! I should have known not to trust you!"

"Uh, technically, it was _Daisy_ who told you that," Yoshi corrected Peach's outburst.

"It doesn't a-matter, Yoshi!" Mario squealed, walking up behind Peach. "Once a sewer-breath dragon, _ always_ a sewer-breath dragon!"

"How nice of you to say so!" Bowser eyed his kids. "Larry! You stay here with me. The rest of you are dismissed."

Ludwig, Roy, Iggy, Lemmy, Wendy, Morton, and Bowser Jr. left the dungeon, leaving only Larry with the big cheese.

"Now listen up, my boy!" Bowser said to Larry. "Lemmie give you some more lessons in... **_How to Lie and Cheat! _**Do you want to be more rotten? Then just take Bowser Koopa's course on lying and cheating, and you'll be on your way to a nastier, eviler you. Oh, sorry, I think I lost myself there... Anyway, Larry, here's today's lesson. First, you tell 'em a big lie to get them in your clutches, just like I did at the beginning. Then, you squeeze them for the big pay off!"

Larry didn't hear him. He was too busy listening to music on his Koopasonic Walkman. An irate Bowser ripped the headphones away from his second-oldest son's ears. "Dad!" Larry squealed.

"That's _King_ Dad to you!" Bowser corrected. "Now pay attention and watch me koop these doops out of the Mushroom Kingdom!" He took a contract and a pen out of his shell, then extended his arms through the bars and held them in front of the good guys. "Just sign on the dotted line, Princess Peach. If you don't, you and your boyfriend and his pet will be forced into early _permanent_ retirement in this dungeon! Ha ha ha! Get it? 'Cause I heard your comments about turning this into a retirement home! Ba ha ha ha ha..." Bowser continued laughing over his one-liner.

Mario pushed Bowser's contract out of the cell. "Save your bad breath, Bowser!"

"Yeah!" Peach agreed. "I'll never sign the Mushroom Kingdom over to you!"

"Duh!" Yoshi added.

Bowser looked at the three prisoners. "Hmmmmph. You're tougher than I assumed. Let me add some incentive!" He pulled a lever, and on cue, the cell started to fill up with...

"Bob-Ombs! And the bad-a kind too!" Mario backed up with his friends as the black Bob-Ombs poured in. "Next to Bowser and a-Wario, they're my least favorite things-a!"

"You see, Larry?" Bowser continued lecturing to his blue-haired offspring. "They have no choice. They either meet my demands, or they will experience an explosive death! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..."

***

"They've been in there too long, Luigi," Toad said. He, Luigi, and Daisy were sitting in a motorboat seated in the middle of Castle Koopa's Blooper-infested moat. "Someone had better go in and see what happened."

Luigi stood up. "You're a-right, Toad-a."

Daisy stood up along with him. "And that someone is us!"

"What?! Hey!" Toad tried to get out of it. "Us Toads get all gross and soggy and--"

Toad couldn't finish his excuse for not wanting to go along, for Luigi and Daisy pulled him into the water with them as they swam for the nearby pipe that led into the Castle. The Bloopers didn't seem to show any interest in chasing them, nor did the Torpedo Teds or Cheep Cheeps. And if the Rip Van Fishes would wake up to start chasing them, they'd immediately fall back asleep. They _did_ have to worry about a Big Bertha that was coming their way when Luigi started using his wrench to open the pipe. Fortunately, Luigi got the pipe open quickly, and before the Big Bertha could sink its teeth into them, they had already gone up the drain. But when they had come out of the pipe, they were greeted by none other than two Hammer Brothers!

"Well, well, well, Gary, what have we got here?" The left half of the Hammer Brothers asked.

"Hmmmm, I don't know, Jason," Gary said to his partner. "Uh, what do you think, Ted?"

Ted, the Chain Chomp sitting between them, giggled and slobbered stupidly.

"Yeah, just what I was thinking. A trio of trespassers!" Gary answered Ted the Chain Chomp's toothy grin.

"Uh..." Toad fished for an excuse. "Would you believe we're trespassers by accident?"

"Wait, I know you," Jason pointed his Hammer in Toad's face. "You're Princess Peach's little stooge!"

"Yeah," Gary added, shoving his Hammer on Luigi's nose. "And I believe this guy is Mr. Mario's cowardly little brother!"

"Oh!" Luigi was insulted. "I'm not _that_ cowardly."

Jason looked at Daisy. "Then that makes you... the third wheel? Or the green guy's girlfriend?"

"BACK OFF!!" Daisy shoved a fist in Jason and Gary's faces.

Luigi and Toad balled their hands into fists, seeing how Daisy was handling the Hammer Brothers easily. "Try and take us, why dontcha?" Luigi bragged. "There's a-three of us against a-two of you! And the Chain Chomp doesn't count, 'cause we can walk around him."

Jason and Gary whistled in unison. As if on cue, behind them appeared two Boomerang Brothers, two Fire Brothers, and two Sledge Brothers.

Luigi, Daisy, and Toad hung their heads, knowing that now _they_ were outnumbered.

***

"I like your Big Band theory, King Dad!" Larry said. Bowser was still lecturing him, and the still-piling Bob-Ombs still had Mario, Peach, and Yoshi surrounded.

"Thanks, son," Bowser complimented. "Now see, to be a _really_ big cheat, you have to double-trick, double-deal, and double-cross!"

"Double cross, huh?"

"That's right! It's the sneakiest, dirtiest, rottenest way you can find. Or at least that I know of anyway. Got it?"

"Got it, King Dad!"

At that point, Jason and Gary the Hammer Brothers walked in, carrying Luigi, Daisy, and Toad. "King Bowser, sir!" Gary called. "We caught these three trespassers tryin' to get in through the moat."

"Good work, Hammer Brothers! Back to your posts!" Bowser acknowledged as Jason and Gary threw the trio into the cell with the other trio, and then headed back to where they were previously. Bowser then grabbed Peach out of the cell. "Now Princess Peach, three more of your friends will meet an fiery fate if you don't sign the contract!"

"One quick question," Peach raised her hand. "Will your court photographers be there?"

"Oh, sure!" Bowser answered. "It's the photo opportunity of my life, you know!"

"Then I'll do it on two conditions," said Peach. "One, move us to the throne room, and two, change that tacky outfit."

Daisy was shocked. "You're not serious, are you?"

Bowser was rather confused by Peach's demand, seeing how he wasn't wearing anything, but went with it anyway. "All right, then. Larry! While I get pretty, and I don't mean in the sick context, you take her to the throne room."

"Thanks for the cheating lesson, King Dad!" Larry yelled out as Bowser left the room.

"You're welcome," Bowser said, leaving the room. "One day, my boy, you may be just as big a cheat as I am!"

As soon as his pop was out of earshot, Larry gloated, "Not one day, King Dad! I'm already following your dirty footsteps! Guards!"

Jason and Gary the Hammer Brothers walked back into the room. "Pardon me for asking, Larry," said Jason, "but I believe King Bowser's the only one who can call for us like that."

"Yes," Gary added. "A captain's two key phrases are 'That's a very good idea, I'm glad I thought of it', and 'Guards, seize him!' And as far as we're concerned, you're just one of our captain's seven sons."

"It doesn't matter!" Larry said dismissively. "Take the prisoners out of here, and bring them to... my room."

Jason and Gary shrugged at each other.

***

Several minutes later, Jason and Gary were standing outside the door to Larry's bedroom.

"Let us out of a-here, you sneaky Koopaling!" Mario shouted from Larry's wardrobe, where he, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad, and Daisy had been put.

Larry held the contract in front of Peach, who was the only one he hadn't locked in his closet. "Sign the Mushroom Kingdom over to _me_, or your pals shall go back to the Bob-Omb blowout!"

"Oh, I guess I have no choice," Peach said sarcastically. She took the pen and signed on the dotted line. "There!"

Larry took the rolled-up contract and danced a little ditty. "Ha ha ha ha! The Mushroom Kingdom is all mine! Ha ha! I can't wait to tell _ex-_King Dad that I double-crossed _him!_"

As soon as Larry had left his room, Peach whispered into the wardrobe, "Get ready, guys, the Hammer Bros. are about to get out of here!" She picked a lamp and smashed it on the floor.

Almost immediately, Jason and Gary came running in. "What's going on here?" Jason asked. The next thing the Hammer Brothers knew, they were knocked out the window by the slap of Peach's Sneaky Parasol. "Looks like we're blasting off again!!" they cried as they plummeted into the moat.

Peach picked up the Hammers, which Jason and Gary had dropped when they were slapped, and broke open the closet door.

"Thanks for letting us out of there, Peach!" Daisy said as she and the others climbed out.

"You said it, Daisy!" Yoshi added. "There were no fruits at all in there!"

"Let's a-get out of here before Bowser realizes we're escaping-a," Luigi commanded.

"If only we could fly," Toad suggested, "we'd be out of here in no time!"

"Not a bad idea!" Mario said, running to some nearby "?" Blocks outside the room. "Let's a-get airborne!"

***

Camera-holding Goombas were lined along a red carpet in the throne room. Bowser was walking towards the throne, wearing his favorite red cape and leadership crown. Suddenly, Larry came up behind him, tripped him, and jumped onto the throne.

Bowser picked himself up. "Get off my throne, you ugly upstick!"

"Careful, _ex_-King Dad! I'm the new king of the Mushroom Kingdom, see?" Larry snatched the crown off of his dad's head as Bowser looked at the contract. "'Course, since you gave me the idea to cheat you out of it, I'll make sure you get a cushy assignment. Say, cleaning the royal stables?"

Bowser eyed the contract, then shouted at his son. "You nincomkoop!" he said, taking the crown back.

"Hey! That's mine!"

"No, it's mine, you double-crossing dodo! Look!"

Larry gasped. Where he expected to see the signature of Peach Toadstool, there was a drawing of a stupid-looking face.

"The Princess may not have signed the scroll for _you_," Bowser continued, "but I'll _make_ her sign it for _me!_ Where are the prisoners?!"

"Um, locked in my room," Larry meekly answered.

"Not anymore!" they heard an Italian voice say. They looked out the window and saw the six good guys getting away. Caped Mario and Toad were riding on Yoshi, who had gotten some Wings, and Raccoon Luigi was air-lifting Peach and Daisy. "So long-a, Bowser!"

Bowser watched them fly away into the distance, then turned back to Larry, mumbling angrily. "It's all _your_ fault, you dirty, cheating, double-crossing double-crosser!"

Larry backed away from his mad dad. "But King Dad! You should be proud of me! I was only doing bad like you taught me!"

"Stand still! I didn't give you the _whole_ lesson!" Bowser made some angry mumbling as he chased Larry around the throne.

The Goomba Photographers snapped their cameras repeatedly as the father and son ran around like loony morons.

"Best show yet," said one Goomba, writing the events in his journal.

* * *

So there you have it. I'm sorry if you're not as pleased with this episode novelization as with my previous ones.


End file.
